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{ 1 } (cue cliche) Being alone
I don't talk about my relationship much here, but the state of my relationship has been less than stellar lately. 7 year itch? Perhaps, but the thought of being alone terrifies me. The only thing that's worse than living alone is dying alone, but we won't go there.
{ 2 } Lupus
I was going to say things like 'losing my hair', 'having to take steroids again', 'feeling sick to the point where i can't get out of bed', 'kidney failure' or 'crazy old lady arthritis' etc, so then I'll just wrap them up in a gift (that keeps on giving) and title it Lupus. The fear is not lupus itself, it's all the wonderful things it can be. Not knowing when the next flare hits or when I'll be too sick to function again is the hardest part, but I'm taking it one day at a time.
{ 3 } Failing at life slash my job
Need to work on that confidence thing.
{ 4 } Losing people I love
I know it's inevitable and is part of the circle of life and everyone goes through it eventually, but nope, can't cope.
{ 5 } Not being able to have children
The older I get, the more real this fear becomes. It's not like I'm dying to have children tomorrow, but what if by the time I decide it's too late? I can't believe I'm even typing this right now. WHO AM I????? Maybe I'm just destined to be a crazy cat-hoarding lady after all?
{ 6 } Severe disability/physical incapacitation
I lead a pretty active lifestyle and I'm always on the go, so the mere thought of being severly disabled (think paralysis, severe arthritis etc) terrifies the living shit out of me. Being active (dance, yoga etc) is what gets me through life, and is the reason why i'm still (somewhat) sane.
{ 7 } Public speaking
Never liked it, never will. Picturing people in underwear doesn't help.
{ 8 } Not being financially independent.
I've been financially independent since I was in my early 20s and I can't even imagine depending on someone else for financials. If I want something, I buy it with the money that *I* earned and that feels good. Having a wealthy boyfriend/husband/sugar-daddy sounds great on paper, but I would be giving up a huge part of myself and who I was raised to be. Cue Independent Women by Beyonce - yah, I pay my own bills, bitch, what?
9 comments:
I know what you mean about failing at life/job. I just started a new job 2 months ago and I already feel like I need to be the expert and be SOLID at it. And when I make mistakes on a daily basis I get really depressed and upset, wondering what is wrong with me that I can't get it right, and thinking "if I can't even send an email right, how can I ever move up and be more successful?!". I think it's natural to feel that way (at last, that's what I keep telling myself on a daily basis to keep from going insane).
I'm going through losing people too. I've been losing a lot of friends the past few years. Mostly because they move away, and fortunately I've been able to keep in touch with most of them. But lately I've actually lost a couple of friends because, for one reason or another, we just go our separate ways. And that's been really difficult for me to deal with.
*hugs*
These type of fears are scary than the Halloween style fear! I live with a lot of fear...and everyone tells me to QUIT IT! lol
I rarely ever drive around by myself for fun anymore because after witness some crazy scary accidents in WA. I just figure..if I don't need something..I'm not going to risk going! Does that sound completely stupid?! I need to get over the scary outside world. Sighh
I think the older you get you either fear more things or finally fear nothing. I am slowing fearing nothing. I think currently I fear addition, without getting into specifics, this is what I fear.
I know there's certain wisdom that comes with age, but I was starting to think that was a myth, from personal experience haha. Glad to know there's hope still.
Oh yeah, I remember reading about that on your blog. I was in a really scary accident when I was in high school. I wasn't driving when it happened, but it made me paranoid for a very long time. To this day I'm still not completely "over" it and sometimes get anxiety when someone else is driving.
Starting a new job is scary and I agree that it's normal to feel like a 'failure' as you're ramping up. No one expects you to be a superstar right off the bat, so try not to be so down yourself. I hate starting new jobs for that very reason - having to prove yourself AGAIN and dealing with all the expectations (professional AND personal) can be really overwhelming. I've recently changed roles as well, so for me it's basically back to square one. While it's nice to have challenges like that, it's also very scary. The problem with me is that I NEVER feel confident - not matter how much positive feedback I get, I always feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm the dumbest person in the room. It's a shitty, shitty way to live life.
As for losing people, I'm in the same boat. Living 3000 miles away from 'home' makes it really hard to keep in touch and it's sad when I can only see people that matter most once or twice a year. I've lost some friends over the years go, so I know how difficult it can be, especially since it seems increasingly harder to make new friends. So now I've basically resorted to making friends on the internet hahahhaha (j/k.. mostly).
Anyway, thanks so much for your comment! It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels this way <3
3,4,5,7,8...totally agree. Glad we are not alone! ;)
Virtual hug for putting these out there. :)
I really loved this post - Brave on you for thinking of all the things you fear and putting it public for all to see :)
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